I’m on a soapbox today.
People Magazine is reporting that the Jon & Kate Plus 8 couple might be
splitting up. That’s the couple with the reality TV series about raising eight little kids. I’m not a fan of the show, but my daughter is, so I’ve watched it with her a few times. It’s probably all in the editing, but Kate always comes off as irritable and unreasonable, and the celebrity rags have been shouting about Jon having an affair with a 23-year-old. It’s none of our business, really, and who knows what the real skinny is. But I can’t say that I don’t care, because I do care what happens to this couple and all couples. I hate to see people who were once happy split up, whether they’re married or devoted life partners, straight, gay, childless, child-full, all of them. I can’t help it, people whose hearts are broken make me so incredibly sad.
I think what bothers me so much is the after part. All the regrets. As a couple, when you split up and the dust clears and time passes, you look back on it and all the reasons for splitting — if you can even remember them – seem so stupid and pointless and (the most painful to realize) fixable. Then the regret sets in. It’s like you get this clarity about how it all could have been avoided, how you would do it differently now that you’ve got some perspective. Regret is toxic, and it can eat you alive.
- For instances, a lot of those ugly nasty arguments that escalated into horror shows could have been so easily avoided by keeping your own mouth shut. At what cost do you really want to win an argument? Is emotionally wounding your partner a good enough price to pay to win an argument? No matter how badly you want to have the last word, that last little dig that goes for the jugular, don’t say it. Just shut the hell up and let your partner have the last word. And if their “last word” was ugly and horrid, let it hang there in the air to echo in their own head and just be grateful it wasn’t you who said it.
- Another detour, easy enough to execute, would be to leave your partner alone when they’re in a bad mood. If he or she is an a bad mood, feeling surly or introspective, quit assuming it has to do with YOU. Believe it or not people have other things on their mind besides you. When your partner is in a mood, the last thing he or she needs is to have to reassure you and your insecurities. If they don’t want to talk, don’t force them to. And don’t try and guess what their thinking about; you’re not a mind reader, so quit trying to be. Go find something else to do, like watch Jon & Kate Plus 8. They’ll come around and find you when they’re ready to be with you, or just want to talk.
- Listen carefully and don’t constantly interject with advice or suggestions such as “You should have said…” Just because your partner is telling you a story or problem their having at work doesn’t mean they want you to come up with a solution. Everybody needs to vent sometimes. If your partner wants to vent about the traffic or a co-worker or the neighbor’s lawn, let them.
- Put some blind trust in your partner and stop looking over his or her shoulder. Don’t ask “Who was that?” every time they get off the telephone. It makes you sound suspicious and nosy. If their desk or bureau is a mess, just leave it, don’t go “straightening it up just a little.” You’re not your partner’s mommy or daddy. If their job is to pay the household bills, don’t quiz them on it. Nobody wants to hear, “Did you pay the light bill?” every month. If they didn’t pay the light bill, just cross that bridge if you come to it.
- Flatter. Every single day find something wonderful about your partner and tell them about it, don’t keep it to yourself. Even if it’s just a “Hello, handsome,” or “Hey there, beautiful,” when you get home from work.
- Don’t criticize your partner’s driving. If they choose to take the long way to the restaurant, resist the urge to point out how stupid they are not to have taken the route you would have chosen. And if they drive too fast and you just can’t stand it, find a kinder, gentler way of being the driver next time without throwing down the gauntlet by saying, “I hate the way you drive, let’s take my car.”
And most importantly, never bring up the ugly past, never open old wounds. Let them go, never to see the light of day again. There’s absolutely nothing gained by bringing up bad memories. Once that ugly moment has passed make a pact to never bring it up again. And then DON’T bring it up again. Ever. If you’ve got any “well-meaning” friends or family who want to bring it up to you even after you’ve told them you’ve let it go, or they want to question you about any ugliness from the past, cut them loose. You don’t need that toxic-ness in your life or your relationship, especially since both you and your partner have agreed to focus on the good and the beautiful.
Who am I to be standing on this soapbox and doling out advice on avoiding regret? I’m a
freaking EXPERT in this department and that’s all I’m gonna say about that. But trust me on this, I know all too well what I’m talking about. And here’s me sending positive vibes to Jon and Kate and the 8, and for people everywhere who are finding themselves in the middle of an emotional storm and just want a little inner peace. I’m rooting for you.
OMGosh, we should all read this. I think these tips apply whether you’re in a relationship or not. It’s just good form all around, no matter who you’re dealing with. Although the “hey handsome” might not go over so well in the work environment. Or then, it might. LOL.
It’s too bad we’ve gotten to a point in society where saying “Hey handsome” to your boss could get you fired. Or land you in court! LOL
Thank you for writing out this great advice, Wendy!
Yeah, well, I guess I’m just looking around at all the discord everwhere and hoping people can at least find some peace at home.
How are you ever going to get that reality show with thoughtful, reasoned, and useful talk like this? Where are the conclusions to jump from? Inanities to point out? Unreasonable requests to expect? It really is self-defeating, Wendy.
I’ve seen one clip and have to agree with your assessment about her. She went at him like a rabid badger with dysentery over nothing. He was doing a wrap-up type thing and she didn’t like what he was saying so interrupted and attacked him. He clamed up as she kept going. It was relentless. His expression was one of hatch battening. He just strapped himself in and rode it out.
I was embarrassed for both of them.
I know it, right? If it’s the editing that makes them appear that way, then the producers have presented this monster Kate that has the whole country hating her. I just had to write about the whole thing today because everywhere you look it’s “Jon and Kate Split” and it’s so tragic. With eight kids and a fucking camera crew in your face all the time, and now gleeful seagull flocks of paparazzi on top of it, what chance do these people have?
I’m not usually so preachy, but the Jon and Kate issue brings out the Dear Abby in me.
Nice post Wendy, you really nailed some of the most important themes for improving communication. The first 3 are dead on. Listening is truly a forgotten art. Praise and flattery are nice tricks too, and not that hard to do.
Never heard of this show, and honestly I will never watch it, I’m already so far behind in all the other crap I’m spozed to be watching. “Reality” TV turns me right the hell off. In MY day we watched TV to ESCAPE reality! Jeez. The fact that reality TV is so profitable is really unfortunate. I keep wondering if there’s a silver lining … it’s very compelling but most of the “stars” are so idiotic and ill-tempered that they’re a terrible influence on our young folks. Or not, maybe seeing that crap on the tube has an educational effect. One can only hope.
I wish the existence of reality shows would go to a vote, like the presidential election. Honestly, they’re getting so disturbing, especially when in this case there are 8 little kids involved.
Love this post! Honestly, I am not a big fan of Kate at all but that is based on the way she comes across on the show – as you described – irritable and unreasonable (not to mention all the demands she makes). However, you are 100% right about it being sad when a relationship fails and how it may have been prevented. I’m stumbling this and also nominating it for a Five Star Friday post.
Thanks, Teen. You’re too nice.
Great advice. Thank you for standing up on your soapbox because I”m pretty sure it’s all useful and i’m pretty sure i’ve done everything on that list at least once.
But hey, I’m young and learning.
thanks!!! <3
I used to want to puke when I heard my parents and older relatives say, “If only I’d known then what I know now.” And of course now I’m their age, it’s on some kind of freaking endless loop playing in my head. Damn you life! You’re so unfair!
While B&G tells you that you are proposing a boring reality show here, I love your new ADVICE concept – another new blog?! “Dear Wendy, my idiot husband won’t let me watch the DANCE show, all he lets me watch is hockey – is it really not alright for me to hit him on the head with a frying pan or refuse to bring him his CoorsLt? I need help…”
I also thank David for teaching me how to spell SPOZED. awesome word.
awesome post!!!
I think instead of going at him with the frying pan, you should drive on over to Best Buy and get yourself a big ‘ol H-D TV so you can watch Dancing in style, the way it’s spozed to be.
Everyone forgets to be nice to people these days. I constantly have people scream at me, yell, pound on the bulletproff glass, and I’ve even had someone pound on my car chasing me as I sped away from work. Society, as a rule, seems to have forgotten to just be kind to one another. When we see all this anger and yelling on tv shows, its almost like saying its ok, we can act like this, too. In my humble opinion, it is never ok to scream at me, at work, or in my home just because I simply told you no.
People have to be extra nice to their husbands and wives, because the outside world treats us so badly. My BFF and I call each other on the way home from work to bitch about work just so we don’t have to bitch at our husbands. Transference of anger is a serious problem here in America.
Wonderful – this is absolutely great.