The Happy Couple, Enemy Of Neighbors Everywhere
I should probably clarify something. In my post Slow Day News-wise, I was telling commenters how Buck gets nervous about me going out into the neighborhood and filming alone, etc., which is why I think he feels safer if I’m just hanging around filming our dogs or him or our property. I realize that sounds pretty cryptic. I respect his trepidations about me interacting with our neighbors. They don’t know us, we work from home so they rarely see us leave, and we believe they think we’re operating a meth lab or something. We fit all the characteristics listed on the police websites. We only go out after dark if at all, strange cars driven by young people come and go in our driveway (kids from work who come out to fix our constantly jammed-up computers), and a pack of dogs that are only heard and never seen.
It probably didn’t help matters the day Buck had been sandblasting our courtyard and stumbled outside to get some air while he was wearing goggles, covered head-to-toe with white sandblasting powder. The guy next door saw him and quickly ran back into his house. I’m sure he thought our meth lab had exploded.
Anyway. In our old neighborhood on Cape Cod I have, in the past, had run-ins with neighbors. There was the time one of them slapped my 10-year-old son and I confronted her. For an hour I chewed her up like a dog with a bone, reducing her to tears with my cruel words and threats to have her committed to an insane asylum. It wasn’t until two years later that I found out I’d attacked the wrong neighbor. My kids said, “No, Mom, it was the other Marilyn.”
Then there was the time a neighbor who looked like the Unabomber, a renter from across the street who was also illegally building an apartment in the basement to equally-illegally sublet, came over when Buck wasn’t home and told me the muffler on my Saab woke him up every single morning and he was sick of it. I then told him he must be a Welfare bum because I never left the house before 11 AM, and if I was waking him up at 11 AM then he deserved whatever he got. Thing escalated, words
were said, and he pulled back his fist to hit me right in front of my three children (who were shocked away from watching Alf or something similar on TV). I just smiled at him and said, “Go ahead ya fuckin’ loosah! Hit me! Hit me in front of my kids! I’d love to spend the rest of my life garnishing your filthy Welfare check! And man, I will follow you to the end of the planet if I have to…”
To make a long story short, that one ended with Buck on the guy’s front lawn, lifting him off the ground by the scruff of his Unabomber sweatshirt and threatening to kill him if he ever went near our family again. He also told the guy he didn’t want him even walking past our house, and the guy complied. He also moved away about a month later.
The list goes on. My son and his friends pissing into water pistols and shooting passersby; the time I was walking my well-behaved German Shepherd while an elderly neighbor was walking his out-of-control Lab and his Lab went berserk (the guy started yelling at my dog for getting his spastic dog excited, and then his dog flipped him and the man broke his back in the fall, was hospitalized, and was never the same again); the time a drunk neighbor back out of her driveway at top speed without looking and almost killed me and I ratted her out to her husband, who then had her taken away to a drunk tank…
But my point is that Buck is a good sport and allows himself to be a human sacrifice, he ignores my efforts to keep my camera trained on him in the hopes I won’t wander off into our neighborhood and come home with a police escort.
Well that’s mighty kind and caring of him, but I still like to think he’s an undercover camera hog.
This was a fun, wild and crazy post. You had more crazy adventures in this one post that I’ve had in my entire life. Ok, maybe not that many, but a lot. 
I love the photo at the top. When was it taken?
I like to think of us as perfectly normal, and everyone else is crazy.
That photo is old — 1995-96 maybe? — and it was taken at The Mother Of All Mountain Bike Races. We used to own a bike shop (in Buzzards Bay, MA) and we organized a charity race every year, proceeds donated to Shriner’s Hospital for Children in Boston.
Okay Bonnie&Clyde…
You do sound like interesting neighbors. But mostly it sounds like perhaps scary and strange neighbors are attracted to you. i’ve always lived by people who like to beat the crap out of each other or folks who do not watch their offspring. Or bathe them. Or feed them. Even when i was six, i remember our neighbor coming to my parents for help, her mouth bloodied. Then her husband banging on our front door.
i’m just lucky i guess. <3
I have to agree, I think we just end up living near lunatics and they gravitate to us. We mind our own business, but we never live near anyone who does the same. What’s up with that? And as for you living next people who beat the crap out of each other, that must be exciting in a horrible way. We used to live near a family with 11 kids and they never watched their offspring. One winter day I looked out the window and saw their 4-year-old daughter — who had CANCER and had no hair left — sitting alone in the snow with no coat or mittens or hat. When I went out to get her she was shivering like mad. I brought her home and her mother said, “Thanks. The other kids were supposed to be watching her but I guess they forgot.”
You know, there’s always a line in what you write that sums everything up for me. This time it was,
“But my point is that Buck is a good sport. . .”
I would have loved to be in your house when Buck came home, asked how your days was and you said you were threatened by the Unibomber. I could see him stand up, say he’d be right back and exit. Next thing you see through the window is Buck dangling Mr. Bomber like a pissing pinata.
The meth bit was genius. Just a riot.
One time I was living in a place where the neighbors son would play (badly) drums at all different hours. I didn’t give a shit (I’ve slept through the building next door on fire) but my landladies kids kept being woken up.
I knew what time he’d sleep (didn’t work/lived off his mother) so brought three little drummer friends in (who all where quite good) and they brought down the house, as they say.
During my confrontation with mother and son (after all, my friends were making the noise) I told them if he can practice all times of the day and night, he couldn’t complain when my new group, Drummers Extreme, practiced. In the driveway. All day long. With my landladies, and other neighbors, permission. The best part was, being drummers, they were unemployed so would be around all the time.
Funny, never heard nor saw him (he’d see me outside and back into the house) again.
DRUMMERS EXTREME, I love it! That’s a great story, I can’t believe your neighbor even considered complaining. People who live in glass houses and all that. Fortunately we never had any complaints about Max’s band playing in the basement every day and sometimes at night for years on end. I have no idea why, but nobody ever complained about it.
The thing with Buck dangling our Unabomber neighbor was that all the kids saw it, people slowed down to watch iit, and the guy’s wife or mother (I couldn’t tell what the hell she was) called the cops. A cop came to the house, heard our side, and then went over and told the guy he would have reacted the same way if anyone threatened his wife. So see? We were right, as usual.
LOL. OMG – too funny. But then I’m kinda glad I wasn’t your neighbor. Sheesh – being told off for something I wasn’t guilty of and getting pissed on with a water “piss”tol? Ewww.
What has always baffled me was why she didn’t demand I get my son and straighten the thing out. I mean seriously, if anyone accused me of that I’d make her get her child out there! Had she done that, my son would have pointed out it was the wrong Marilyn and it wouldn’t have gone so far.
And I can’t remember all the people they pissed “at” but I do remember I was meeting them for the first time…they were clever enough not to piss at their parents’ friends! Our friends probably would have slammed on the brakes and pissed back at them, and they knew it.
I’m almost in tears from laughing so hard because I have been through all of that shit in different ways and a lot of it involved your son and Damon. OMG, I have more funny stories about the two of them when they were young.
Ask Sam about the time that he and Damon called some bully’s mother pretending to be the principal of the school. They were like 10 years old and of course the woman had caller ID and called them right back. She was nutty as a fruitcake anyway and both her sons both turned out to be evil.
That’s so funny about Buck sandblasting and your supposed meth lab.
LOL! I know you’ve had similar bullshit with neighbors thanks to our lovely children. I will ask Sam about impersonating a principal. We had an evil neighbor who was totally nuts, and dangerous because she worked for the school system and spread malicious gossip. She started some crazy false story about Max, and she didn’t even know him. Two years later her own kid robbed a liquor store.
I love this post, but all I can even think about right now is the Water Piss-tols. Please tell me this was Max & Zack because… well… that would be even better. Also, did you know Zack was married and living in Georgia or something??
I’m sorry to disappoint, but it was Sam and the Rooney kid and someone else I can’t remember who were making piss-tols. And I did know Zack is married. He married Sarah (used to be Dave’s girlfriend, I know you’ve met or seen her) a little over a year ago I think.
Wow, I don’t know which to be more thankful for, that you have had all these amazing experiences with which to weave these fantastic posts, or that I am not, and have never been one of your neighbors!
(Though I’d like to think that me and my family would never have given you and yours any cause for grief.)
Thanks for this fun post Wendy. I think I’ll go watch the Buck video again …
If you were our neighbors I doubt you’d have any worries. We don’t care if you have big noisy parties or stick a giant art sculpture on your front lawn. We’re friendly and polite, we really do mind our own business, and we’re vigilant about our dogs, we’re hyper-aware that the sound of them barking might disturb people — so we keep them with us behind the fence (we’ve always had fences) and put an immediate stop to it if they start any recreational barking. The problems we’ve had stem from people who live in glass houses and then try and throw stones. I’m sure if we were neighbors we’d have no problems whatsoever.
Oh my god Wendy! My jaw dropped, but I’m laughing hysterically at the same time. You’re fearless. Even when you’re wrong, you’re fearless! Thank goodness for Buck, your loving, protective, meth brewing husband. You two compliment each other so well.
Please be careful out there– I’ll bet in your neck of the woods, they tend to shoot first and ask questions later.
You have to be fearless when confronted by people looking for a fight. I’m never looking for trouble, but when I get these nut jobs coming at me I don’t back down either. The downside to that is that I always come out looking like the bad guy. But I can live with that.
I’m sure they “shoot first and ask questions later” here, which is why I stay home.
I do know Sarah! I remember hearing about “Dave’s Girlfriend” marrying Zack, and then I saw his mom the day before the wedding… it’s still really strange to me.
I love this picture by the by. I’ve seen it before but I can’t remember when, it’s just a very happy very “Buck & Wendy” kind of picture.
I also love the Meth Lab explosion bit
Yeah, well, the whole Sarah and Zack and Dave thing is another story. I think it would be safer to email me on that one.
Seriously, we do believe our neighbors think we must be running a meth lab.
The house next door to me is for sale…wont you be my neighbor??
LOL! We’d love to be your neighbor. It would be great having a neighbor who was funny and intelligent. Ours are usually the exact opposite.
I can’t believe that guy was gonna hit you! What a f**ker, but I loved your welfare comeback…seriously being woken up at 11am? Hahahaha…
PS: piss in water guns??? AHHH…I am so afraid of all kids right now, I will not mess with them
I know, I couldn’t believe he wanted to hit me. What a lunatic. I was so glad he moved away.
And I don’t blame you for being scared of kids right now, what the hell is going on? When I was a reporter and had to check the police log every morning, I couldn’t believe how many parents called the cops on their 8 and 10 year olds. One 8 year old went berserk and kicked in all the windows in his mother’s house and threatened her with a knife! In the immortal words of Paul Lynde in Bye Bye Birdie: “Kids, what’s the matter with kids today?”
hi wendy -
Just saw Max’s interview and I thought it was excellent! He seems so relaxed, especially while he was entering the lobby -casually speaking to the camra as if we were his personal guests. I felt like I was walking along beside him. Smmmooth.
Great choice of questions! Please pass this review on to him .
Talk to you soon . Jo-Ann
UGH! Are you trying to drive me insane or does it just come naturally?
An 8 year old threatened his MOM with a KNIFE? Wow….frickin’ munchkins…Menace II Society….
I know it, right? And it wasn’t even the hood, it was a cul-de-sac kid.
That was AWESOME! Great read.
Many years ago when I did tech. support for Microsoft, I hated my job so bad that I came this close to becoming a pot dealer. But if we’re talking about misconceptions, I had a coworker once who was convinced that I was a former Navy SEAL who had 20-some odd kills. Still not sure where he came up with that idea.
I wish people thought that about me. I’ve never been suspected of being a former SEAL. And if I were going to be a pot dealer I’d want to be like Val Kilmer in some movie I can’t remember…but he was a milllionnaire California guru-type who owned a giant marijuana farm and wore long white robes. Does anybody know what movie that was?
Man, this post reminded me of my own old ghetto days back in the hood. I love that you have a smart mouth and told the unibomber that you’d love to garnish his welfare check, damn, that was some good shit! Buck seems like a top-notch guy, let him protect you, you never know when someone will pull a gun in this day and age!
God, it’s so true, you don’t know how people will overreact these days and pull a gun, or stalk you or whatever. The world is just too weird now. Or mabye it’s always been this way and we just didn’t notice it til now!
I heard a disturbing sound last night. It’s the first time I’ve heard it since we’ve lived here but it made me think I may have to yank Drummers Extreme from mothballs. Yes, a badly played set of drums. I couldn’t place it exactly but the sound was unmistakable. It’s been years since I’ve been behind a kit but I may have to make some calls if the kid doesn’t improve. Quickly.
It reminded me of the time a neighbor was having a cookout and the neighbor on the other side started up a piece of machinery the moment the party started and ran it (without using it) until the party ended. I wasn’t there but when I heard the story I told him we’d take care of it. The next time he had a pool party three neighbors pulled out boom boxes and played the same CD for his entire party. We all sat around our yards and laughed.
Ha! The boom box story reminded me of that scene in the Jeremy Pivon movie “PCU” when David Spade got locked in a room with something like “Afternoon Delight” on an endless loop. Which makes me wonder why you don’t have a CD of Drummers Extreme that you can play at outside at top volume whenever you need it. Come to think of it, I’d buy that CD myself, as an emergency precaution.