Buck gives off an aura that promotes confessions from strangers.
Buck: I forgot to tell you about this. I’ve made a new friend in El Paso.
Me: No suh. Who?
Buck: I only know his first name. It’s …
Me: What. His name is…?
Buck: ….it’s…it’s right on the tip of my tongue…
Me: This is like Witches of Eastwick when Jack Nicholson moved to town
and no one could remember his name even though it was on the tip of everyone’s tongue. And the harder they tried to remember it the more illusive it became and it turned out he was the devil and knocked everybody up.
Buck: No, my friend’s name is …
Me: Come to think of it that’s what Jack Nicholson did in real life, isn’t it? Isn’t it?
Buck: My new friend’s name is…
Me: Did you know there’s no record of Jack Nicholson ever being born? True story. I’m not lying. He didn’t even know til he was an adult.
Buck: It’s…hold on…I think his name’s Mario.
Me: You already have a friend named Mario.
Buck: It’s a new Mario.
Me: Really now. What’s his story. How’d you meet him?
Buck: Last Saturday night Stella wanted to go for a walk. You’d already been sleeping for a couple of hours –
Me: I doubt it, but go ahead.
Buck: No, you’d been asleep for a couple of hours. I made a point of looking at the clock. It was 1:30.
Me: IN THE MORNING?
Buck: Yeah–
Me: Well no shit I’d been sleeping for a couple of hours –
Buck: — but I was still awake watching TV. And Stella was standing on my chest and staring into my face, using her mind powers to demand a walk.
Me: You’re a fool to let her control you –
Buck: Well she wanted to go, she doesn’t care about time. So we went out the door and it was a beautiful night out. Very bright, very warm, it was
95-degrees according to the ACU-RITE. So I go out front and take her to her first pee-mail stop and I notice that in front of the house was a silver Dodge Charger.
Me: People are always parking in front of our house.
Buck: At 1:30 in the morning?
Me: How would I know?
Buck: Well they don’t. Not at that hour. It’s rare to have cars on the street here at night. They just don’t park out there overnight … So I see this car and I’m thinking Shit, what the hell is this? It was parked behind the high bushes out front.
Me: Was someone in it?
Buck: I couldn’t see in because the windows were tinted dark, but I had to walk past it because Stella had already booked, she was way past the car so I had to go after her. And as I’m next to the car on my way back with her, I see a little phone screen light up.
Me: Did you turn and run back into the house?
Buck: I wanted to, but I kept walking…old man walking, look out!
Me: [laughing]
Buck: I’m walking past the car when all of a sudden the door opens and this very short, squat, heavily-built guy gets out wearing a full tux and goes, Hey, have you got a light?
Me: I would have pretended I didn’t hear him.
Buck: I know. I was thinking this is how people get robbed. I did have a light on me, but I thought it was weird that he didn’t use the lighter in his car.
Me: Maybe he didn’t have one. We don’t have a lighter in ours.
Buck: Only ‘cuz it’s broken. We used it so much it broke. Anyway, I go over and give him a light and start to talk to him.
Me: The first words out of my mouth would have been Whatta you doin’ in a tux, Mistuh Weirdo?
Buck: Yeah. And then you would have said Here’s my husband. If I say anything wrong it’s him you’ll have to fight, not me.
Me: True.
Buck: He said What are you doing out? and I said I’m walking my dog. Then he goes, I don’t see any dog. I had to tell him she’s a tiny white chihuahua and he goes, Oh.
Me: Why the hell do you bother with these people?
Buck: I said to him, What, are you just enjoying the night out here? And he says to me, Do you live around here? Do you always take your dog out at this time of night?
Me: SEE? Even the weirdo thinks it’s odd to take her for a walk at that hour–
Buck: So, he was so short he was standing in the street but leaning out his open car window to talk to me.
Me: And you liked this? The way he was leaning out the window?
Buck: No, I thought it was really odd that his head was sticking out through his window while he was standing there. He was about five feet tall, 250 pounds. And he says to me, Do you know Valerie?
Me: [laughing]
Buck: I tell him no, I don’t know her. And he says, How long have you lived here? I told him I’ve lived here long enough and I don’t know Valerie. Then I asked him if he was a cop, because the cops use Chargers in this town, and he says No, I’m TRAINING to be one.
Me: Doesn’t surprise me. They all say that, all the weirdos. They’ve got cop envy.
Buck: Then he says, So you don’t know Valerie? You live in this neighborhood and you don’t know Valerie?
Me: Is she the Avon lady or something? A drug dealer? Should we know her?
Buck: No, apparently Valerie is his girlfriend and she lives about four houses up from us. She’s 46 and he’s 21. He thinks she’s cheating on him. He wanted to know if I’ve seen her with other guys. With three other guys to be exact. He thinks she’s seeing three other guys besides him.
Me: Valerie sounds like a whore. [laughing] [laughing]
Buck: [laughing] [laughing]
Me: A tremendous whore, you know? Because she’s sleeping with four guys and one of them is young enough to be her son!
Buck: Yeah, I get it. But they’re all his age–
Me: WHAT? [laughing]
Buck: Yeah, they’re all his age. And he wanted to know if I’ve seen her with them. And I said, I don’t even know her, how could I see her with other guys? I said, When you’re a cop you’ve got to keep your line of questioning straight…
Me: [laughing]
Buck: He and Valerie are both school bus drivers.
Me: Go bus lady! [laughing] She must work out or something. Valerie you old whore, you go girl.
Buck: Then he says, You’ve never seen me here before? I’ve been here the past seven nights in a row.
Me: HE is going to make a terrible cop if he can’t catch her after seven nights of stalking her. And how’s he going to run with all that fat? The perps will all get away.
Buck: Well I don’t know where he’s training for this. For all I know he just taking a couple of cop classes somewhere–
Me: You mean he’s majoring in law enforcement at a college?
Buck: That’s what I said, cop classes. Anyway. He started getting real serious about this whole Valerie thing and how he loves her and she’s cheating on him–
Me: And he’s stalking her.
Buck: When he made me guess his age I guessed 25 and he was so insulted. He kept saying, Really? I look 25? I’m only 21! And I couldn’t say well you’re really fat, balding, and you’re in a tuxedo–
Me: He sounds like The Penguin, poor thing. 
Buck: — but I started talking to him about what the hell he was doing. I came right out and said You’re not gonna do any shooting or beating-up here, are you? And he was taken aback because, you know, he’s training to be a policeman and all. I told him if he did that they’d throw him out of the police academy.
Me: Get real. Aren’t you listening to me? He’s too fat to be a cop –
Buck: I know. He’s probably just taking cop classes here and there –
Me: Jesus. I hate this conversation. Did you tell him you have a 21-year-old son and he doesn’t act anything like this? He’s out being 21 and not stalking some old whore –
Buck: As a matter of fact I did tell him that. And I also told Mario to shape up because he had the world by the balls, he has a cool new car, he’s gonna be a cop, he’s a good-lookin’ guy who can have any chick he wants –
Me: What? Ugh. You lied to the stalker! I’m surprised you didn’t invite him in for a beer.
Buck: I brought one out to him. I brought him a Lone Star and a handful of Doritos.
Me: Well that was good, encouraging him to drink and drive–
Buck: He wasn’t driving.
Me: Yes, that’s right. He was on a stakeout. Oh I mean stalkout. A stalking free-for-all, basically, with beer and food included … Now we’ll never get rid of him.
Buck: I don’t think he’s been back since, but I really have no idea. I don’t go out there anymore.
Me: And neither will I. But I will definitely be looking for the house with the school bus parked out front.
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If you’d like to learn more about Jack Nicholson — and who wouldn’t? — or stalking laws just follow these links:
Oh, that’s too funny, Wendy. You’re lucky you have Buck there. I would have been totallly freaked out knowing some little creep like that was parking outside the front of my house stalking some lady down the street.
Ya, tell me about it. And Buck makes friends with him. He’ll probably be here for Thanksgiving.
That’s the funniest damn story I’ve ever heard. The kids are sleeping and I’m trying not to laugh too loudly and wake them up. Buck just cracks me up. Doesn’t he know you’re not supposed to talk with strangers no matter how old you are? Would Stella have protected Buck and become an ankle biter if Mario had been a robber? I just love your conversations with Buck.
Buck manages to make “friends” wherever he goes, whereas I go out of my way not to make eye contact with anyone. Had Mario tried to rob Buck I don’t know if Stella would have gone into attack mode (as she does with me) or if she would have continued on her way and finished her walk. Probably the latter.
i’m wondering about Mario. Is there such a huge difference between ages 21 and 25? If Buck’d said he looked 45 when he’s only 21, then i could understand.
Buck’s nice, talking to crazy stalkers parked in front of your home stalking a hot seated bus driver. i would’ve ignored Mario completely, ran inside, woke my husband to take a peek. Then speculated and made crap up. Then get irritated because why the bleeps is this car in front of our place, fallen asleep then post a story i made up about the car the next day.
I would have never spoken to that guy. I would have run inside and pretended he wasn’t out there, because I’m a bury my head in the sand sort of person. We have a lot of people who park near our house for God knows what reason, and I’ve never even been tempted to talk to them. But that’s not Buck’s style, he talks to everyone and I mean talks — he’ll carry on a 30-minute conversation with the guy standing next to him at the magazine rack in Barnes and Noble.
I know Valerie. All of the truckers stop by her place when going through El Paso. Well not all of them. Just the young ones that drive solo. I never actually heard the name Mario until I read this. The other truckers told me that Valerie always gave reference to having a ’sugar son’ which never made sense until now. Creepy… just plain creepy.
Honestly, I’d tell Buck to call the cops the next time he sees Mario camped out out front. Then Mario could get an up close and personal tour of a police car and maybe even a ride… in the back seat.
You’re so funny. This comment about all the truckers knowing Valerie had us laughing out loud. I’d like to call the police on the various people who park near our house but I’m guessing it wouldn’t accomplish much, because the cops in this town are very nice, believe it or not. I think they’ve got their hands full staving off drug traffic and illegals, so when they get a call about something as mundane as a strange guy sitting in his car all night they’d just tell him to move on.
Ya know, ‘c’ of comment #3, we really don’t know if Wendy&Buck made up this story or not. Altho Peter Parkour gives a convincing anecdote to support it…
My dog does pee-mail, too! Funny that you call it that…
Fab pic of Buck, too, with the green aura about him.
I’m kind of flattered that you’re giving me enough credit to be able to come up with a story like that on my own. But the truth is that I’m extremely lazy and can’t be bothered making stuff up, which is why I don’t post these conversations all that often. Buck really does enjoy talking to people, even strangers, and once he’s met someone he seems to keep them in his orbit for a very long time. For instance, he’s stayed in contact with pretty much everyone he’s ever known going all the way back to grammar school. Stella’s pee-mail is very important to her, she eeks it out a little at a time to make sure she can hit every spot during her walk around the block. Does your dog do that too?
Usually these transcribed posts of your conversations are just plain hilarious. This one was hilarious and scary at the same time. Perhaps Buck should carry a sidearm when taking Stella out for late night pee mail. I still don’t get why the guy was wearing a tux. Prom season was like two months ago. The tux is like the creepiest element here for some reason …
Thanks for the laughs Wendy! Whatta you doin’ in a tux, Mistuh Weirdo? BRILLIANT!
Actually, the tux thing isn’t that odd here in El Paso. It’s wedding season, but there are Quinceaneras going every weekend all year long. (Quinceanera is a very huge deal in Hispanic culture, the celebration of a girl’s 15th birthday, and they’re often elaborate and formal affairs that are a lot like weddings and cost just as much.) But I would have definitely asked him about it. And Buck doesn’t even need to carry a sidearm. He’s very rottweiler-like. (See my post Love That Dirty Water for further explanation.)
Thanks for a really good (and much needed) laugh!
Trailer Park Barbie! Hi! This reminds me I need to add you to my blogroll. Hey, I just tried and can’t! You don’t have a blog? I think you’re a lot smarter than the rest of us.
Holy cow. So that is kind of freaky that this guy has been out there for the past seven nights. WTF? Would you be parked out there in a tux to spy on someone? Freaky. I think I would go inside, lock all the doors and windows and never come out except for groceries. And maybe you could even get those delivered.
Oh how I WISH I could have my groceries delivered. I used to use Peapod all the time in Massachusetts. It cost $5 but it was well worth it, they even carry your groceries into the house and put them on the counter! Sigh.
I do! I do ! I do have a blog. I would love to be added. It’s http://www.trailerparkbarbie.wordpress.com
Funny thing. I cannot get to your blog by clicking on my blogroll. I have to google you. I am going to delete and then re-add you.
I love your blog. I want a “Buck”, too! All I have is a “Grouch”. I think “Bucks” are much more fun than “Grouchs”. Hmmm….this is reminding me of something….Oh, I know. Those IQ tests with the Zooms and the Zaps (or whatever).
If a Buck is a Grouch and all Grouches are Aholes, are all Aholes Bucks? Holy crap, I’ve just confused myself.
I know you’re glad Mario is gone. But in a weird sort of way, don’t you miss his crazy antics?