When I got home to El Paso last night, Buck had a beautiful display set up for me with flowers, a Virgin Mary candle, and not only Ken Burns’ oranges but Ken Burns’ eggs, too. Which was really good, because as of today I have officially given up the search for these mythical Ken Burns’ food products as reported by The Boston Globe. Thank God my husband made me some, because this is exactly the type of thing that would send me back to Prozac, and I think WE ALL KNOW that Prozac wreaks havoc on your metabolism and causes you to gain unwanted pounds in your midsection. I’d rather lay in bed and cry all day than gain weight.
Massachusetts and Rhode Island were certainly more exciting than El Paso, what with crack heads terrorizing the trailer park, and vandals chopping off Roger Williams’ fingers and such. But I spent a lot of time driving, too much time as a matter of fact, because I never got the chance to blog about the fight I had with some tourists who forced a toy on me while I stood in low tide studying a school of jelly fish. Perhaps I’ll get to that in the future.
It was certainly good to get back to EP. I missed Buck, and our dogs, and I really do prefer to stay home and write all day, then spend my evenings taking copious notes on the dialogue of various TV shows and running it through Google, just to see if they stole it off someone’s blog or a kid’s term paper from 1993 or whatever.
Speaking of Google. I told Buck to Google “Haunted Telephones,” which he did, and then he about had a heart attack because my blog comes up as number one in the Google listings, specifically Buck’s part of the conversation in my blog titled Haunted Phone Calls. He said, “WHY THE HELL ARE WE THE FIRST THING THAT COMES UP?” Then he said, “Thank God I’ve got a legacy. My life hasn’t been for nothing, thanks to you.”
The other good thing that happened to me when I got home, is that Andy, my only friend in El Paso, called to invite me to a book fair on Saturday. Andy and I will be pushing a shopping cart around while we load up on books after we’ve checked them for typos, circling any we find, and then pointing them out to people. Then we can ask for a discount on the defective books.
Below is Part Two of my documentation in the search for Ken Burns’ food.
***
WGBH Boston: Good Morning, WGBH Member Development and Services.
Me: Good morning. I don’t know which department handles food products, specifically citrus, but could you please connect me with the person in charge of Ken Burns’ oranges and eggs? It was in The Boston Globe last week that Ken Burns is advertising The War on oranges and eggs.
WGBH Boston: [not unkindly] I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean when you say oranges and eggs. What does that mean? 
Me: Ken Burns knew that oranges and eggs were rationed during World War II –
WGHB Boston: Right.
Me: — and because The War is about World War II, he’s advertising the mini-series on actual oranges and eggs. The Boston Globe wrote about it, but I can’t find these items anywhere. I called four supermarkets and visited two in person, and no one has heard of these oranges and eggs advertising The War.
WGBH Boston: Is Ken Burns doing this? Or are we doing it?
Me: S’probably Ken. I can’t see ‘GBH doing it.
WGBH Boston: Maybe you should ask his production company.
Me: Okay, I’m cool with that.
WGBH Boston: I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help.
Me: Don’t sweat it, it’s not your fault. I think we both know whose fault it is.
***
Florentine Films: Florentine Films.
Me: Hi. Can you help me? In The Boston Globe a week ago, there was an article on The War, your new mini-series. And the article said Ken Burns was advertising the show on oranges and eggs and I can’t find any!
Florentine Films: You’re not the only one.
Me: Oh. My. God.
Florentine Films: That article was the first I’d ever heard it.
Me: Really? This is outrageous. I’ve been on the phone all morning trying to find these oranges and eggs because, as you can imagine, I am a huge fan of Ken Burns. Plus, my father was a decorated veteran of World War II, so these food products really mean a lot to me.
Florentine Films: The ads are on beer, too, and the beer is definitely out there, but I’ve only seen or heard about the eggs and oranges from The Boston Globe. I read the same article, and it was news to us. We here in this office don’t know anything about it. Maybe somebody else does, but we don’t. We knew about the beer, there’s plenty of the beer out there, but we didn’t know anything about the eggs and oranges. We still don’t. Sorry.
Me: Well. I guess this is it for me. The end of the slap line. You’re very nice, though.
Florentine Films: Sorry.
Me: You don’t have to apologize! I think we know who owes me the apology, written, hopefully, on an orange.
***
So I never found these oranges or eggs with cryptic messages on them, and it would appear that Buck’s are the only ones in existence. I haven’t even looked for the beer, seeing how the The Boston Globe said it was being distributed on military bases. They won’t let me on the base. My father really was a decorated veteran of World War II, and he’s probably spinning in his grave right now at the way Ken Burns has jerked me around. And Ken Burns, if you’re reading this, HIRE ME! I want to work for you! Not only would I be good at whatever the hell you ask me to do, but you obviously need me to deal with The Boston Globe and various supermarkets. Ken Burns, give me a job and I will never use the fuck word in your presence.
Buck claims to be fed up with my mild interest Ken Burns
Tomorrow: Buck Wears A Gift Bathrobe From A New Reader
(he does not know this Yet.)
LINKS: My Haunted Phone Calls blog that Buck says is now his legacy.
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Fantastic! Oh, Tom is going to kill me if I keep laughing so much and so loudly. I keep making him come over to my computer to look at singing crackheads and men with eggs on their eyes. This is just beautiful.
Good Morning ! How did you get Buck to pose for those pics?
Was that his idea ? What – a- riot !! I love the messages on the oranges !! sooo funny ! -Jo-ann
spend my evenings taking copious notes on the dialogue of various TV shows and running it through Google, just to see if they stole it off someone’s blog or a kid’s term paper from 1993 or whatever.
Seriously! That’s hilarious.
Love the oranges.
Darn it… that was supposed to read “Seriously?” not “Seriously!”
Well thank you, Brian. And yes, I do that. I tend to make up games that both entertain myself and drive myself crazy at the same time. On the bright side, I’m well aware of how insane I am so that means I’m not insane at all. Right? Am I right? Please say yes.
My favorite egg is the one with the dollar signs.
I hope you’re going to send Ken Burns’ production company a link to this post…
Long ago, when I was living in a trailer with my ex, out in the middle of Possumville, Arkansas, we had a friend who was making gazillions of dollars working on the set of “Northern Exposure.” One night I was watching it, and realized that the dialogue was about us. He must’ve contributed to that particular script. They stole our life!
@LWB – No, you’re not insane!
We all have our little quirks.
@MBMQ – That’s cool! (not that they stole your life, but that you were immortalized in NE)
“Tomorrow: Buck Wears A Gift Bathrobe From A New Reader”
Where oh where is our next installment? I’m jonesing for your humor.
MGMQ – I’m transcribing it and typing it up even as I’m typing this.